Body image is a complex, deeply personal experience. We may associate it with confidence, but all too often turn the sword against ourselves to self-abuse in various ways, from subtle to severe; mentally, verbally, restrictively, judgementally, comparatively… the list is as convoluted as that dark feeling in the pit of our stomach when we’re struggling to find peace.
Seven years ago, I started to ask myself these questions as my strong body unexpectedly dove into a rollercoaster of mysterious and undiagnosable health issues over the course of six months.
Utter confusion. No big change of lifestyle, no physical life changes, just extra stress during law studies and maybe eating more in the evenings. Perhaps it was *insert trying to make sense here*, or perhaps it was simply part of my body’s journey. And inflammation. But it was difficult to accept.
I noticed it on my rowing machine one day as slow muscle responsiveness, and then hair loss and struggling to walk the few hundred meters to my regular 3x weekly Pilates. I weakened and outgrew my clothes.
My narrow face puffed up into a moon shape, and my body swelled from a stable size 12 to a yo-yo’ing 16UK while my 70% muscle mass continued to decrease below 40%. In confusion and despair, I bullied my body with workouts, diets, supplements and restrictions, to no avail.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who do we judge most harshly of all?
After years of tears and frustration, confusion and helplessness, pandemics and mental health recovery, I decided on a few things for myself.
Namely, stop self-bullying and practice removing it from habit. Buy stretchy clothes that serve me fabulously. Focus on strength gain and adding good foods, instead of reducing weight or calories.
It worked. My health improved, though I look the same physically. My confidence is higher than ever before, thanks to self-talk that’s kind and supportive like a good friend. And I can choose what I want next; be it strength or flexibility or adventure.
Today I asked myself :
If this is my body now. How will I make the most of it?
Because the beautiful thing about our mind is that it will answer any question we give it.
So maybe it’s time to ask questions that lead to where we want to be? Instead of questions that lead to misery?
Yes, I’m still a size 14. Yes, that can shrink or increase between 12-16 in different seasons. And yes, my fabulously stretchy clothes work wonderfully! I’m happier than I’ve ever been, thanks to focusing on health instead of size.
Maybe part of this journey was to accept change; to develop this base of self-support and kindness, acceptance and awareness, to carry with me through the years ahead.
Now, my focus ahead is on strength, on gaining what I want, and asking with love : If this is my body now. How will I make the most of it? ❤️
Thanks for visiting! If you liked this article or are curious to dive deeper, I invite you to explore my other articles on curvy city life, luxury and everything in between. ✨
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